Sometimes you come to a time where you are lost. Lost amongst the possibilities.
The feeling of wandering without a purpose is strong. When I am busy and trying to survive there is no time to question my direction. The issue arises when I stop, only then do I realize that I have not taken the time to chose a path.
In the life of a nomad the questions arise everyday between each new destination. Because everyday you have to choose what you will do and where you will go, it means being at a new cross road every day. However, in the last few weeks, my mind has been in survival mode, not looking any further than immediate comfort, forgetting that I have the privilege of taking the time to reflect.
I have come to a major cross road which I have been avoiding for the last month. My defence mechanisms have been strong, my body calling for sex, comfort food, dance and sleep, all in escape of thinking about the questions at hand. As the year comes around (and the intended end of this learningtrek and my funds) I think about the options ahead. I am haunted by so many questions in all realms of my life: vocation, relationships and lifestyle.
- What do I want to do this summer?
- What do I want to be doing longer term? What do I want to work towards?
- What are my needs? What are my wants?
- If I were not scared what endeavour would I embark on?
- What do I want my romantic relationships to look like?
- Who do I want to be surrounded by?
- What type of environment do I want to live in? Do I want to continue wandering?
These are but a few of the questions I am in the midst of working through. I have the privilege of having time to introspect and think about these questions. I AM CLAIMING THIS THIS TIME AND USING MY PRIVILEGE.
I feel lucky to be in this dark place!